Life (101)

Have you ever asked yourself these questions, who am I? What do I stand for or even whom do I represent?

I have been asking myself these questions repeatedly for the past 16 years at least; today I am 31 and still no subtle answer. My journey was no easy ride and for sure had its ups and downs; growing up takes real guts, as individuals we encounter many endeavors and face many questions along the way before we really know whom we are. Our first identification key towards our selves is our “sexual orientation” once you make up your mind about that comes another identifications; for example, character likes and dislikes, fashion taste, passions, talent or what do we do best.

Even after you figure all these out you are still not there yet because now you have to face the society and it never is a pretty confrontation. There’s always a test you have to pass to be able to get through to the next round and in very few times you get lucky or hit a jackpot. Through out the years I have learned one fact; we are always competing with someone or something and it all starts from home its either a sibling or one of the parents, then it gets even worse now you have to beat those smart kids at school after that your associates then your colleagues and all this just to prove that you are a person worthy of existing and how do you prove it… by being successful.

By the way, how do we measure success? Is it measured by our looks, character, charm, intellect, money we earn, marital status or all these together given our age estimated by a number drawn from a standards chart. Or do we measure success these days by the number of our twitter followers divided by the number of retweets plus favorites multiplied by our Instagram followers divided by the numbers of likes we receive. Do Facebook still counts as an up to date social platform! or we are disregarding it in favor of Snapchat and God knows what.

Does our real life traits count? I.e. like-ability, communication skills, wit, compassion, or ability to sympathize. This past year I have gone on a quest trying to find the answers to all these questions, I moved from Dubai where I was born and raised. Leaving my family behind I relocated to Lebanon “my homeland” and lived there for a year in a village with my extended family, I lived in hard conditions that I am not used to and the decision was worth every bad day with no electricity, Internet, decent transportation, or a warm meal. This decision saved my life…

Since January 22nd, 2014 I have completely moved to Lebanon and worked full time as a project officer in a community development center under the management of a local Lebanese NGO “Al Hadatha Association” partnering with UNHCR. I can call this experience “mesmerizing”, I learned that life is so precious and that it is the right of all humans to be treated equally no matter where they come from or what are their backgrounds. Working with the Syrian refugees made me a better human it made me realize that at the end of the day all these questions banging on my skull are of no importance as long as I am a human that feels for other humans and reach out trying to wipe a tear on someone’s face or reassure them that it is going to be OKAY.

Moving from lavish life to a rough one was the best thing that happened to me, it opened my eyes and mind to wider horizons of knowledge. It opened my heart to a greater kind of love and that is the other.


Protesters outraged after Indian ‘guru’ says gang-rape victim not blameless – The Globe and Mail


Protesters outraged after Indian ‘guru’ says gang-rape victim not blameless


NEW DELHI — Reuters

Published Wednesday, Jan. 09 2013, 9:48 AM EST

Last updated Wednesday, Jan. 09 2013, 12:11 PM EST

Comments by an Indian spiritual leader that a gang-rape victim shared blame for her assault disgusted many in a country shaken by the crime, but his view represents a deep streak of chauvinism shared by a broad swathe of a society in transition.

The 23-year-old physiotherapy student and a male companion were left bleeding on a highway after she was raped and beaten on a moving bus in New Delhi on Dec. 16. She died two weeks later in a Singapore hospital from internal injuries.


Indian rape victim worked at phone centre fielding calls from Canada

Two to plead not guilty in Delhi gang-rape: lawyer

Judge in Indian rape case clears an unruly court

via Protesters outraged after Indian ‘guru’ says gang-rape victim not blameless – The Globe and Mail.

Death toll rises as storm batters Lebanon | News , Local News | THE DAILY STAR


Death toll rises as storm batters Lebanon | News , Local News | THE DAILY STAR

A severe winter storm that has raged in Lebanon since the weekend has claimed the lives of four people and forced the closure of schools across the country and some mountainous roads.

Lebanese Red Cross official George Kettaneh told the Voice of Lebanon radio station late Monday that four people died and 55 others were injured as a result of traffic accidents caused by rains and floods.

Public and private schools were ordered shut Tuesday and Wednesday over safety concerns as Lebanon braced itself for more high winds, rain and snow.

The storm, one of the strongest in Lebanon in 25 years according to Mona Shahine Khauli of the Nicholas Shahine Meteorology center, flooded several highways in the capital, Beirut, Monday as well as roads in north, east and south Lebanon that led to massive traffic jams.

It said Wednesday’s weather is expected to be rainy accompanied by thunderstorms. The weather department said the storm would also bring lower temperatures and snow is expected to fall as low as 600 meters above sea level and 300 meters during the night.

via Death toll rises as storm batters Lebanon | News , Local News | THE DAILY STAR.

My past

put the past behind you
put the past behind you

Women my age, especially the bitter, tied up in a boring “so-called” holy matrimony kind, and some of the not that good-looking (men predators) single women along with some family members and friends has always doubted my taste in men and resented my choices.

I have been on the game for the past ten years and my first alleged relationship was at the age of nineteen, it was short, long distant and mono played (from his side). What really irritates my social circle is that unlike everybody else I don’t follow a pattern; I have dated the egocentric up tight Lebanese male who’s self-being is what a Man’s World concept feeds on. There was the cute minor, the old friend (was a complete failure) lastly and hopefully not least the “fine-looking” divorcé.

There was time gaps among each acquaintance and the other; such as, between Mr. BIG SHOT and the cute minor was good five years, between the minor and the friend two years; finally, between the latter and the current two month gap. However, I have been in love only once with the minor who wasn’t really a minor he was just around five years younger and the reason things didn’t work out is that he was from an authoritarian and protective background. What I am revealing here and embracing as a legitimate decision-making foundation may come across as against all religion monogamy ideologies and is definitely an outrageous bold confession to a society that fairly perceives a decent religious Arab young woman of me. To judge what life brings along your fate is a foolish try we involuntarily fall into. I did not seek these decisions in fact they were not even decisions it was more as stepping in the moment and not rationalizing what ones behavior should or shouldn’t be.

Who has found his perfect match and who has been able to successfully find a customized partner? I suppose none may claim such victory, we all hope for the best and that is nothing but an illusion. It is true that relationships are hard to maintain and it takes courage and patience to make peace in one. I have tried and done everything I could to cross from one shore to the other carrying my love above my shoulders to prevent it from suffocating on all the what not’s but failed miserably. Do I have regrets? Sure, but have I learned from them? Of course I did, I learned that egocentricity is a disease, which infects the male rational and moral system.  I have learned that minors are cute and love truly but harm savagely, I have learned that once a friend is never a lover. Finally, a handsome divorcé can’t be any worse from the above. Love is a complicated matter, as someone once told me “it does not consult” although I wish it did. I would have fallen in love everyday and gave meaning to every heartbeat.

To conclude, I sincerely apologize to all these hypocrite feminists who raise complaints against men and fight for every right they demand but deep down we all seek the same dream and that is finding our second half. I apologize from all the bitter married women that went down that path early on their lives and woke up one morning resenting every particle of the man on the other side of the bed. Let’s all step out of our “traditions” shell and repeat this sentence “I shall never know, unless I try every opportunity that comes along”.

A good life

“It’s like drowning over and over again, every breath counts every heartbeat counts.”

(Fifi Ak)


I always have these little conversations inside my head with myself, ironically they always happen when I am playing housewife either in front of a sink or in front of the oven. And these conversations have become more recurrent and more intense.

I was talking to myself the other day while doing the dishes,  and I caught myself thinking about what to cook tomorrow and what ingredients are missing so I rush to the grocery’s shop.  For a second I was about to feel sorry for my educated degree holder self but then I stopped and felt sorry for my educated degree holder self; however, for a different kind of shame. We informed or well-informed people are delusional so delusional that we only perceive the universe from one angle. Every time we calculate life with the same damn prime numbers and every time we come up with the same exact result that is; nice job title+ good salary+ nice car+ occasional meaningless topic gatherings with similar people= good life. Even though, we all know that there are fractions, decimals, negative numbers, positive numbers and for the love of god whole numbers. Why do we intent to drop facts out of our equations? Why do we voluntarily continue to trace the footsteps of the first thinker? why don’t we develop our own Wit? It is a given, man/woman study, read, stack info on brain shelves then receive a degree then meet occasionally in restaurants or cafe’s to talk politics they don’t comprehend, mention the pacific ocean because “they know it exists”, discuss the ramifications of “global warming” and finally instagram their food before they delicately eat it using a knife and fork even if it was soup.

After this intense hating on successful people introduction I paused for a second, took a deep breath and picked up from where I left of, the soup. Then my corporate degree holder self tried so hard to refute all the allegations made by my angry human degree holder self and all it was able to accuse me of! Is that I went so far with the soup metaphor, I agreed and promised to be more objective with my arguments.  Life isn’t always pretty and it doesn’t always happen for every one; sometimes, life not happening can be the best thing that could ever happen to you.

My time at home doing nothing but resenting the daily routine at the Ak’s holding which is keeping a house hold running made me realize something, success is like every other trait, IT IS A STATE OF MIND. Dealing with all the disappointments of daily life while fulfilling my responsibilities towards my family does not insult my pride or intelligence . If it is anything it is generous and kind to be able to make it day in, day out. And I am not saying this to make myself feel better because if I do this means I am demeaning every other person who is not well-informed and presume that they have no chance in heaven to a bright future. A degree and dozens of general information stacks, doesn’t put me or people like me in any superior position. To be happy is not necessarily to know what South American country lies along the pacific coast or who’s Taylor swift (I really didn’t know she exists until yesterday, still needs to find out how she looks like). To be happy is to be content and love. To be happy is to dare be an unemployed former TV anchor with a BA in Communication & Information studies from an elite university and still be able to stand in front of a sink with your head held up high.

Sometimes great gifts don’t come wrapped in a nice glorified paper from “Paper chase. And always remember that diamonds start out rough and what brings this world up on its feet is not only the “educated”. All society members play an equally important role in holding our space from falling apart.


حب في زمن الكوليرا

ما أصعب عيش النساء في زمن أنصاف الرجال…

حوارية بين آدم و حواء في زمن الحريات

هو: هاتي عنك ذلك و دعي عنك ذاك

هي: لما أنا بالذات

هو: خذي مني هذا و الزم البقاء

هي: و ما ذا الذي لي في البقاء

هو: قربي و بعض الإشتياق

هي: و ماذا بعد اللقاء

هو: مزيد من اللقاء

هي: ثم ؟

هو: ربما الفراق أو نزيد من الرياء

هي: كم من الزمن؟

هو: ليس الوقت في الحب يقاس

هي: ماذا الذي إذا يقاس؟

هو: صبري على الوفاء و قلة النباح

هي: و كيف ينال هذا الشرف

هو : قلة السؤال و رسم حدود المباح في الحب بين الأرض و السماء

هي: ماذا عن الالتزام و الولاء؟

هو: الم أقول لك دعي عنك الغباء، فهو للجبناء

هي: من هم الجبناء؟

هو: قتلة العشق باسم الحلال

…….بعد أن تعبت من النفاق

ما ذنب الحب في عهد الجراء؟ أيرحل أم يأبى البقاء

قد عللت حروفه بين حرية البغاء و حب البقاء

لا لست فاضلة و لكن إن كنت سأمتهن الغباء فليس مع أنصاف الرجال

My wildest dream

In my wildest dreams, we got married

We had a son and we named him after your father

He had your eyes and he had my lips


In my wildest dreams, you took my pain and I took your shame

I was younger and you were older

And happiness was ever after


In my wildest dreams, you were there and life was fair

Every morning you placed a kiss on my forehead

I placed a smile on your face


In my wildest dreams, when the sun goes down

Our love stays profound

You are fine and you are mine


In my wildest dreams, our love never dies

It is never my fault

It is somebody else’s

Linger I will, no more

I don’t see me anymore

I don’t feel me anymore

I don’t recognize this stranger!


Like a big whale I sailed

Into the deepest seas I failed

Reincarnated with a tail back I came


Leaving a sea filled with shame

Deeper the shore has became

Darker than the nights of this tale


Tomorrow has no aim but to fault your game

Endure or refute whatever it is you tame

No one will embrace your pain


Darkest it is, they say before dawn

Cheaper it is by the dozen the frown

Longer who waits always claim the throne


“Linger today, tomorrow heavens you own”

No thanks my friend, patience will not be my bone

As long as the whores run this zone

World breaking news

To redeem your sins; first, you have to acknowledge them.

Dear stranger,

If you allow others to take you for a doormat you become one, and if you give without expecting to take, you will not get any. I can claim that this is a fair assumption, correct? But the truth is neither is true we’re living in a metaphysical world when you bend over you’re rolled open and stepped on just like a doormat and when you start growing an opinion, you become expired and ought to be replaced. Moreover, I want you to bare in mind that there’s no such thing called “karma” our sorrows have no wings to travel around and hit its primary source.

Life is way simpler than that, you make a mistake you learn your lesson. People take you for granted, look for some new people. If you are sick and tired of giving without being appreciated, stop giving. We live in a black & white world where 1+1=2 and where love is disposable and blood is lighter than water and for heavens sake children souls are easier to take out than the next full garbage bag in your kitchen bin.

What I want to bring to your attention dear stranger is that no matter what you are going through it must be less important than the blood sheds in Syria or the conspiracies being sewed in Libya, Iraq, Egypt or Lebanon. The drought in Yemen harvesting young souls everyday must be more urgent to resolve than your mismatched Louis Vuitton handbag and Christian Louboutin shoes. And definitely, definitely the prejudice that have taken our universe on strike is more harsh than any broken heel, heart or even dream because if we do not take a stand in the empty “la rue consciente” there won’t be any thing left to cry over.

Yours truly,

A former ignorant planet earth citizen