My past

put the past behind you
put the past behind you

Women my age, especially the bitter, tied up in a boring “so-called” holy matrimony kind, and some of the not that good-looking (men predators) single women along with some family members and friends has always doubted my taste in men and resented my choices.

I have been on the game for the past ten years and my first alleged relationship was at the age of nineteen, it was short, long distant and mono played (from his side). What really irritates my social circle is that unlike everybody else I don’t follow a pattern; I have dated the egocentric up tight Lebanese male who’s self-being is what a Man’s World concept feeds on. There was the cute minor, the old friend (was a complete failure) lastly and hopefully not least the “fine-looking” divorcé.

There was time gaps among each acquaintance and the other; such as, between Mr. BIG SHOT and the cute minor was good five years, between the minor and the friend two years; finally, between the latter and the current two month gap. However, I have been in love only once with the minor who wasn’t really a minor he was just around five years younger and the reason things didn’t work out is that he was from an authoritarian and protective background. What I am revealing here and embracing as a legitimate decision-making foundation may come across as against all religion monogamy ideologies and is definitely an outrageous bold confession to a society that fairly perceives a decent religious Arab young woman of me. To judge what life brings along your fate is a foolish try we involuntarily fall into. I did not seek these decisions in fact they were not even decisions it was more as stepping in the moment and not rationalizing what ones behavior should or shouldn’t be.

Who has found his perfect match and who has been able to successfully find a customized partner? I suppose none may claim such victory, we all hope for the best and that is nothing but an illusion. It is true that relationships are hard to maintain and it takes courage and patience to make peace in one. I have tried and done everything I could to cross from one shore to the other carrying my love above my shoulders to prevent it from suffocating on all the what not’s but failed miserably. Do I have regrets? Sure, but have I learned from them? Of course I did, I learned that egocentricity is a disease, which infects the male rational and moral system.  I have learned that minors are cute and love truly but harm savagely, I have learned that once a friend is never a lover. Finally, a handsome divorcé can’t be any worse from the above. Love is a complicated matter, as someone once told me “it does not consult” although I wish it did. I would have fallen in love everyday and gave meaning to every heartbeat.

To conclude, I sincerely apologize to all these hypocrite feminists who raise complaints against men and fight for every right they demand but deep down we all seek the same dream and that is finding our second half. I apologize from all the bitter married women that went down that path early on their lives and woke up one morning resenting every particle of the man on the other side of the bed. Let’s all step out of our “traditions” shell and repeat this sentence “I shall never know, unless I try every opportunity that comes along”.


2 thoughts on “My past

  1. A very bold piece of work indeed! It takes a lot of courage to bare your soul like this when you know that the part of the world you’re in will most likely react with backlash (I will be there in your defense so don’t worry). These relationships really do shape who we become as people, I have seen that I, and many of my friends, experienced many personality developments based on our relationships: who they were with, and whether or not they lasted. Like you said, there are many women (and men as I have seen) who do have the misfortune of waking up with nothing but resentment and bitterness for the person lying next to them. The cynic in me is scared of that. There are also people who found the perfect person for them and ended up “happily ever after”, the romantic in me (who somehow still exists deep down) still wonders about how exciting that life would be. Hopefully, after some more soul-searching, I’ll finally see this issue clearly and reach a mature conclusion. Thank you for sharing your story and helping me as well as others think about this more, the age we’re all in is full of questions and sharing these experiences does help a lot.

    1. Dear Behzad,

      Readers like you are the reason why I put myself out there in the most vulnerable emotional states. Whether you agree or disagree with me is not the goal of these confessions, it is the idea of pouring thoughts from one mind into the other. Maturity is a long process filled with agony but these constant confrontations I believe are the only way to reconcile with oneself.

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