Who ever said time flies was not lying, exactly 365 days ago I was sitting in the same spot almost in the same position holding the rosary he bought me saying my prayers and the minute I got the call that the plane took off with him on board, the rosary broke down and 100 beads dropped on the floor just like the tears that dropped on my cheek…
Did tomorrow pass by my door and I missed it! Or did I pass by tomorrow and it missed me? Either way it is 6:40 a.m. and I am still up, just like a year ago. Nothing much has changed except that I now is a graduate with a BA in communication and information studies but still that was going to take place whether or whether not.
What is missing? What makes the frame incomplete? Where did the last jigsaw puzzle piece go? Are happy days awaiting me?
Every time I try confronting myself with these questions through another piece of writing I change my mind and undo my thoughts because I don’t want to be perceived as this bitter person who is clinging to that one thing and refusing to let go. However, I have realized “as much as I hate this phrase for a personal reason” I have realized that and I beg your pardons, to hell with you readers, I am not even a good writer or even scared to be portrayed as the limited author. I just happen to be a random person who happens to think that what ever goes up there would make me feel lighter if it gets out here.
I am not sure if I miss him or I miss what I thought he was? Or even if I only miss him because I am so lonely and have nothing else to keep me busy. I am sure of one thing though that none of you can judge me or call me pathetic. I can keep it low and stop discussing it, I can let go and drop it and I can live without him and find million others; I just don’t want to.
There is nothing special about him, he was not the best looking man alive or the most considerate partner and he definitely did not know how to flirt; unless, you consider discussing the election of president Obama as the best thing you can talk about with your partner, over the phone, at midnight while they are in bed ready to sleep. He never got me flowers except when I asked him to or if they were giving it away. He never called me back after a fight to work things out and he never took me out for a romantic dinner. He was so bad with dates and never thought that celebrating an anniversary is a big deal. He left me million times and broke my heart another million times. But he got up to get tissues from the counter to wipe my glass after I spilled my drink on our first date. He took me out for million walks by the beach with his eyes on the ground to make sure I don’t step on a stone and hurt my feet. He used to dice my food every time we ate because I am not good with the knife and fork. He was patient and put up with my entire mood swings and calmed me down, he smiled every time he saw my face and said you look beautiful no matter how awful I looked. He listened when I spoke and he made me laugh from the bottom of my heart. He missed a hundred football games for my sake just to be there when I asked him to, he loved me when I hated myself and whenever he held me in his arms I felt safe and content.
Men like him don’t grow on trees and women like me spare no heartbeats.