Disposable feelings

The courage to express is always confused with despair….

People follow a system preferably a one-handed to them with a manual; I was not given one! When you follow a system you have your life planned out for you; first, who you are and where you come from is already set. Second, who’s your society and what is your rank among them is established. Eventually, you are a grown up, and just when you think you are in charge and get to call the shots… where you come from tells you where you should be going and what are your potentials. Then society barges in and tells you who you can be with and what are your limits.

I was old enough to see the cracks but I was short-sighted, if I knew what I know today, he would still be following the system in a different story and I would still be writing these lines about another story with the same plot and story line; however, with a different  protagonist and different circumstances.

The story starts as a joke and then turns into a reality, my reality. People say I am obsessed and I say I persist, people say you are holding on too tight and I say I am letting go of myself. He shut me down and I open up, he had the whole world to tell him I  am a waste of time and I had just myself to show me that I am worthy. I am not trying to loath for sympathy yet I am not a lifeless, air headed, little girl with a story about a boy who broke her heart. I am a woman who came a full circle with herself, I am a woman on the edge of a new beginning with a story ought to be told before the final chapter is closed.

According to the system I am a nobody and my feelings do not count for anything nor the time and energy I invested. Where I stand today after a year of separation is so dark and scary, for the past 12 months I tried my best not to give up; unfortunately as from May 11, 2011 I was denied from trying anymore due to privacy laws; though, my heart could carry on for a life time. These lines bare no space for blame or accusations it simply gives a voice to the silence pain I have been carrying for a long time now.

In my heart I carry loads of questions and one wish… How often do you think of me? Do you regret hurting me? Is it really me the reason why you left or it was just the system? What did you do with all the memories and letters I wrote? will you ever apologize to me even though you don’t believe you’ve done anything wrong? I wish I get your answers not the system answers…


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